Good news about kids and tech!

Always good to start the year with some thoughtful and nuanced news

One of the reasons I wrote Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive and Survive in Their Digital World was to counteract some of the panic-based messaging about kids and tech.

Don’t want to read all about the latest research or my frustrations with techno-panic and just want pragmatic tips for mentoring and connecting with your tech-immersed kids? Scroll down to to “But How Do I mentor my Kids”

Headlines like “Are Smartphones Destroying a Generation” cite research, but sometimes take correlation for cause. In other words—if more kids are diagnosed with anxiety and more kids have phones than they did before smartphones were invented—it must be the phones.

I have thoughts about that techno-panic:

devorahheitnerphd

A post shared by Devorah Heitner, PhD (@devorahheitnerphd)

Of course, social media and connectivity CAN be stressors for kids and adults (hello!) I am very concerned about the tech-panic that these headlines can generate.

Assuming that all tech/ “screen time” is bad makes parents feel guilty and can reduce opportunities to talk honestly with our kids and other parents.

When parents move to control and monitor tech use without understanding what kids are actually doing on devices we miss the chance to mentor kids on how to navigate a life where they are likely to find a job and make friends in connected communities.

Instead, many parents find themselves in a power struggle that leaves both parties worse off.

As I’ve been arguing in my talks and arguing since 2012, we need to nuance our understanding of our kids’ use of tech and stop lumping all “screen time” together.

Other folks are coming around to this perspective (or have always shared it) including Richard Culatta, the CEO of two prominent education organizations, ISTE and ASCD.

Courtney Martin summarizes Culatta’s thoughtful critique of “screentime” in her excellent Substack, The Examined Family (a great substack you should add to your list.)

'Screen time' is dumb

Meanwhile, I spent the last three years interviewing teens for my next book (more on that in the coming months) I find some young people are having a positive experience with digital connection—but are quick to assume that phones are bad for them—even without evidence. They’ve just heard the cultural messages that it is bad for them.

A More Mindful Approach

Ideally, what we want to encourage for our teenagers and ourselves is a mindful approach to tech. Where we have choices. Where we recognize when our screens are bringing us knowledge, stimulating new interests, or keeping us connected. AND where we recognize when they are hurting our sleep, our relationships, or our focus and can take a break.

Seeing young people make choices—whether to build community online, create new apps that feel better to use, or even unplugging completely, can help us feel less panicked about the kids.

Alex Vadukul wrote a compelling article in the NYT about some NYC high schoolers who are choosing to unplug and forming a community around that idea. I loved how the kids in this story are aware of their parents’ not-so-mindful use of tech.

Note how some parents in this story don’t love when kids unplug because it makes it harder to surveil them by tracking their location or “check in.”

Watch this space for more on that.

Here is some recent research on kids and tech use that you might find reassuring:

Pew Research Center conducted a study on teens ages 13-17 to better understand how American teenagers experience social media. Though some teenagers said they experience some anxiety, the majority said social media has a positive impact on them because they can connect with friends, express their creativity, and seek support from others. I know self-reporting has its limits, and I wasn’t surprised to see that some teens who told researchers that social media was great for them personally also feel like it isn’t so great for other kids their age.

Parents might be especially interested in this part of the research.

In another study from Michigan State University, researchers examined 3,258 adolescents’ time spent digitally and non-digitally to better understand what leads them to feel low self-esteem and isolation. Lead researcher Keith Hampton found that children whose parents restrictively disconnect them from the internet report lower self-esteem, while children whose parents are media-supportive and instructive report higher self-esteem and spend more time with friends and family.

Both of these studies are worth reading, if you are so inclined.

But HOW do I mentor my kids?

My kid is very into the WWII game Hearts of Iron 4 right now. We’re diving into learning about World War II and Twentieth Century political movements as a family. In addition to heading to the library to get a bunch of researched history books, we watched the dark comedy, Death of Stalin (2017) over winter break, and read the novel City of Thieves together. We’re plowing through The Hardcore Histories podcast, too.

Here are some other examples of HOW one might use social media and games to connect with your kids:

Here’s a great article by Gina Rich about playing Roblox with her daughter.

I love this article by my friend Michelle Icard about how watching TV with tweens and teens can break the ice with tough topics.

Don’t miss this article by Jenn McKee about using BeReal to stay connected with her teen. Note: her kid initiated this—I wouldn’t suggest initiating this from the parent side—many kids would find that invasive. But staying open to ideas from our kids can be great. Maybe it’s a shared podcast or Spotify playlist.

And my friend Carrie Goldman wrote about how watching Schitt’s Creek with her kids helped her pandemic-bound family come together, and better understand and support their LGBTQ+ sibling.

But what about the gross stuff? Screen time isn’t all adopting unicorns on Roblox and family TV night.

OK, that’s true.

I spoke to Washington Post about cyberbullying recently.
My bottom line:

“All parents should be alert to cyberbullying, even if they think their child is not a victim or a perpetrator, because teens who observe these behaviors can still be affected by them.”

Here’s a great article about how to talk with kids about pornography that is research-based and smart by Meg St-Esprit.

I’d love to hear from you in the comments about the ways you mentor your kids on tech, or about what you’ve learned from your kids by staying curious.

2023-2024 Community Reads

PS: I’m writing the book group discussion guide NOW for my forthcoming book on privacy and reputation. If you might want to host a community read or book group during the 2023-2024 school year, feel free to write to me here and we can talk about setting something up.