Friends are more important than followers
And this is why I love the Free Cheese! episode of Reservation Dogs
I've been on the road in Tennessee, California, Connecticut and more.
My recent visit to speak in my hometown of Stamford, CT was fun. But it is always a little haunting to be in Stamford. My mother passed away in 1997. My father and sister left town long ago. And many of my childhood friends' families have left, too. So Stamford isn't a regular stop for me, but when I'm there, I can drive by the stucco house where my 5th grade best friend and I played outside in her backyard during they eye in the storm during Hurricane Gloria.
I can also drive by Turn of River Middle School and Stamford High School to dive into some of those teenage friend memories, and especially all of the intensity and yes, sometimes drama of those friendships. These memories helps me feel more connected to my own teenager and to the students at my school programs.
A lot of my work with kids and social media focuses on the difference between friends and followers. Friends are mutual. We show up for each other. Whether we're talking about a third grade friendship playing together at recess or an eighth grade friendship focused on crushes and in-jokes, or a senior year friendship of supporting one another launching into the next phase of life and keeping each other grounded. A true mutually supportive friendship is SO much more important than follower count, or how many likes a social post receives.
I often tell kids in my school talks that my "follower count" would have been three in middle school since I had three friends in seventh grade. But...I'm still friends with those great people. So despite the fact that I was still very much learning HOW to be a friend, apparently, I had good instincts.
One of those middle school friends sent their mom to come and say hi at my Stamford event, which was so sweet. Back in 1989, I was pretty sure my friends mothers thought I was a "bad influence," or disapproved of me, but maybe it was just projection. I wasn't the most secure seventh grader out there!
Wonderfully, the qualities that drew me to my bright, free-thinking and nonconformist middle school friends are still there. Reconnecting with old friends can be very affirming. What do you remember about friendships in middle and high school? If you can share stories with your kids that don't feel too "when I was your age-ish" they might enjoy knowing about your experiences.
How to talk to kids about social media and friendship
Invite kids to focus more on the quality of friendships than the quantity of followers. Yes, these highly visible numbers on social media, or the SnapMap on Snapchat (where users can see their friend's locations) can quantify our connections in a way that is easy to get hung up on. All humans (not just tweens and teens) want to be seen, recognized and liked. So, it shouldn't surprise us that these features of apps can be "sticky" and compelling.
Also, feeling left out sometimes is the price of the ticket on social media. We’ve all seen videos or posts that make us feel left out. When it comes to FOMO, teach your kids that we can’t expect to be included in everything, all the time, but also... we get it. It hurts. If you can convince them to opt out of location sharing on apps that encourage that, they can try to lead the change…
But many teens feel like they don’t want to “be invisible” in that way. They want to be on the map. We can help them brainstorm things they can do when the map or the posts that other people share leave them feeling left out.
This blog post offers ideas by kids, for kids.
Let’s lean into talking about friendship with kids. When we read books, or watch movies or TV with them, the friendships between characters can be central themes. These are great conversations to have with kids, from the Percy Jackson years to the older teen years.
We're watching Reservation Dogs with my teen now. The series focuses a group of teenage friends who are devastated by the death by suicide of one of their beloved friends in their rural, reservation community in Oklahoma. Given this mature content, it is worth thinking about whether it is the right show for your family. For us, the friendships and loyalty depicted by the incredible actors on this show have led to many great family conversations. For those in the know, we just saw the "Free Cheese" episode, one of the many storylines where the theme of friendship and loyalty is just...transcendent.
What else can we do to support our kids' friendships?
Encourage them to make their own plans as they get older. There is a learning curve for many of our kids here.
Let them see us spending time with OUR friends. When we lean into our own relationships and don't neglect our friendships to over-focus on our kids, we're setting a great example. Friendship is important. Let them see you taking care of your friends, showing up for friends, and just enjoying them. We are lucky that some of our good friends are "family friends" that our son enjoys and has great conversations with.
During my time in Stamford, I got inspired to reach out to one of my mother's friends and we spoke on the phone. I wasn't surprised to hear that she was teaching classes for other seniors and working on making her town a better community to "age in place."
When I was a teenager, I was sometimes annoyed that my mother's regular phone time with friends got in the way of MY phone time with friends. Now I realize she was setting a great example by prioritizing relationships that were supportive and joyful.
One more thing: I'm doing more workplace talks in the coming months. Getting to speak to working parents on their schedule has been amazing! I've spoken at law firms, LinkedIn, PVH, financial firms and more. Reach out to me if you'd like to chat about a workplace talk or other collaborations.