Hi there,
I’ve been swimming in Lake Michigan again this fall. Every day could be the last day it feels warm enough to swim. I have a wetsuit, but I also have my limits. The pandemic has pushed me into some new habits that middle or high school couch-potato-me could not have foreseen.
Swimming in the lake out past the beach pushes my sense of self in a new direction. I’m in my forties and I’m still changing, growing, and transforming. Our kids are changing even faster and more dramatically as they go through the tween and adolescent years. We need to protect the space they need to figure out who they are by being mindful of what we share about them in social media, and by letting them know they don’t have to play to the “likes.”
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I’ve spent the last few years talking with kids and parents for my next book and one of the big worries I hear from parents is about the ways kids’ sense of self is shaped by social media. We don’t want kids to “crowd-source” their self-image, or feel trapped in old narratives. This is why I don’t like to advise kids to develop a “personal brand.”
Yes, we should all think about what we share so we don’t create misunderstandings. But “personal brand” is too Narrow. I appreciate what Tara McMullin wrote about her evolution with her “personal brand” here.
How to Deal with Feeling Left Out (Instagram Edition)
Your son comes downstairs for dinner completely devastated. His shoulders are slumped, he feels deflated. He just saw pictures on Instagram of all of his friends hanging out together.
He's upset because his friends told him that they couldn't hang out because they had too much homework.
Now you’re upset too—who wouldn’t be?
How should he handle it? How can you help him?
I recently worked with a great group of kids who shared their strategies for handling feeling left out.
I like to ask kids what they can do WHEN this happens. Not IF. Because it will happen to everyone, and I want to normalize that for kids who are new to social media. Seeing things that might make you feel bad or left out is the “price of the ticket” on social media…
Here are some ideas the kids shared:
1. Watch some Netflix
2. Eat some ice cream
3. Call some other friends to invite them over
4. Hang out with parents or siblings.
5. PUT AWAY THE PHONE. Don’t keep looking. Definitely do NOT text those folks right now.
Read more kid-tested ideas here.
You can share this newsletter with a fellow parent who needs these tips or in your favorite parenting Facebook group.
Back when we were kids and we were left out, we didn’t have social media to remind us. But your resilience and perspective helped you get through those experiences. You can share that wisdom and support with your child now.
When you have teenagers, hanging out with parents might well be a B plan. In most relationships, that wouldn’t be healthy. I wouldn’t want to be my husband’s B plan for Saturday night. But when you have a teenager, a move night with parents could be a B plan. Be casual. Let them pick the movie.
Telling kids a story about a time you felt left out will help create more empathy and trust in your relationship. But I wouldn’t do it right in the moment. Let it be about them. If at all possible, see if you can get them to unplug.
Watching peers post more is NOT going to help.
Overall, we want to help kids notice when something on their devices is making them feel bad and to make decisions accordingly.
You want to be running your devices, not letting them run you (click to tweet)
is a great mantra for this.
YA Book Bans
I’ve been talking to parents about great YA books and podcasts for years. I follow YA Author Shannon Hale on Twitter and she addressed current the climate of Book Bans with the following crucial insight.
That’s right. A concerned book banner could be busy pulling books off the shelves and their kid could be in another room scrolling Pornhub.
If the book banning people come to your town, be ready. A few folks were just in my community trying to get LBGTQ+ books off the shelves. It is exhausting but we have to show up for our kids and their right to read and be informed.
Finally, it is GREAT to be on the road again, both virtually and in person. I was just in Columbus, Ohio speaking and I’m beaming into Boulder tonight.
If you know a group that needs an empathetic, informative, research-based pep talk on parenting in the digital age, feel free to reach out.
warm wishes,
Devorah